


First Dates

by swimmingfox



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Bad dates, Channel 4's First Dates Meets Game of Thrones arf, F/M, First Dates, Hilarious dates, If you haven't seen this show you can probably get by, Modern AU, Very wrongly-matched dates, and occasional right ones!, good dates, obviously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-05-23 21:10:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14941451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swimmingfox/pseuds/swimmingfox
Summary: Channel 4's First Dates (UK show) meets Game of Thrones!In each chapter, there will be three dates. Many of them will be really dreadful matches. With occasional winning ones! Please note that relationship tags just mean dates, and not necessarily successful relationships!





	First Dates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **So I've been sitting on this idea for a while... finally bashed the rest of the first one out! If it goes down well, I've got lots of more HILARIOUS dates, good and bad (mostly bad) planned. No doubt extremely sporadically put up. And am happy for suggestions!**
> 
> **First Dates is a popular show on Channel 4 in the UK. It is set in a restaurant hosted by a very smooth French maitre-d. The format of this is very largely taken from the show. But if you haven't seen it, I reckon you'll get by nonetheless, ha!**

** TITLES ‘(FIRST DATES’):  **

_Short, perky tune, with origami heart opening outwards._

 

** INT. OBERYN’S RESTAURANT - EVE **

  _A high-end tapas restaurant in Manchester. Camera sweeps over main dining area, some tables already filled with couples._

 

BERIC (VOICEOVER):

Welcome to the First Dates restaurant. A place where eyes meet, passions ignite, and Cupid’s arrow often hits its mark. These hopefuls are about to embark on a real blind date. Some will crash and burn. Others are about to strike it lucky. They’ve been carefully matched, based on their likes and dislikes. What happens next is down to them. The saying goes, ‘there’s someone out there for all of us.’ These people are all hoping that it’s true.

 

_CU on OBERYN, wearing an exquisitely-tailored suit and perfectly pressed shirt (three buttons undone)._

 

OBERYN:

_(leaning intimately towards the camera)_

As a maitre-d, it is imperative that I can read body language, eye signals, the subtlest changes in tone.

Dating is no different. It is the language of love, and it is beautiful.

  

_LORAS, BARMAN (behind OBERYN, rubbing a glass with a cloth) rolls eyes at camera._

 

**BAR AREA:**

_A young man, quite large in stature, with brown hair and a goatee beard enters the bar and gives a nervous grin._

 

BERIC (VOICEOVER):

This is Sam, a research fellow in ancient medicine at Manchester University.

He’s struggling to make himself appealing to the opposite sex.

 

** INT. BOOTH **

_The booth is a small room with pale wooden backdrop and a heart painted on it._

 

SAM:

_(to camera)_

It’s just not really been my thing. Girls. I’m very good at handling very precious old materials,

but not so good at handling, you know. _(endearing shrug)_ Girls.

 

** INT. OBERYN’S, BAR AREA - EVE: **

  

LORAS:

_(behind the bar)_

Good evening, sir.

 

SAM:

_(sitting on a stool at the bar)_

Oh, hello. Yes. Indeed. Will it be? I’m not sure. _(nervous laugh)_

 

_YGRITTE, a young red-headed woman, enters. She is wearing a small black dress, high heels and a massive fur coat._

 

YGRITTE:

_(quietly, but not very quietly, to self)_

Chuffing Nora. Someone ate all the pies.

 

BERIC (VOICEOVER):

This is Ygritte. She’s from Northumberland and is looking for someone with a little intelligence.

 

** INT. BOOTH **

 

YGRITTE:

_(to camera)_

It’s not like I’m bloody Mary Beard or whatever. Mind you, where I’m from, some of the lasses do have beards.

But what I’m saying is all the lads up where I’m from, they’re all thick as pigshite, you know?

 _(leans forward, tapping her temple)_ They know nothing.

 

** INT. OBERYN’S, BAR AREA - EVE: **

 

YGRITTE:

_(unenthusiastic nod)_

Alright.

 

SAM:

_(look of a startled rabbit)_

Oh. Hello. Wow. You look. Well. Gosh. Wow. I can’t even think of the right word.

 

YGRITTE:

_(gives dead eyes to camera)_

 

_Camera follows them to their table in the DINING AREA. SAM pulls back YGRITTE’s chair for her, talking all the while._

 

GREY WORM, WAITER:

Would you like to order a drink?

 

YGRITTE:

I’d like to order several.

 

** INT. BAR: **

_BRIENNE, a tall, short-haired blonde woman in a structured suit and heels, walks into the bar. OBERYN is there to greet her._

 

OBERYN:

Oh my. You are magnificent.

 

BRIENNE:

Hmm.

 

OBERYN:

No, I insist. You look divine.

  

BRIENNE:

Right. Well.

_(looks anxious)_

 

BERIC (VOICEOVER):

Despite being 6’3 in her stockinged feet, when it comes to dating, Brienne has often fallen short.

  

** INT. BOOTH: **

 

BRIENNE:

_(looking annoyed)_

I’ve always been the tallest. It’s not like I can bloody well do anything about it.

But _(sighs)_ it seems men don’t like looking up to women. They find it intimidating.

 

**Cut to BOOTH, different time:**

 

_TORMUND, a large, redheaded man in a fluffy jumper, is miming a bear attacking the camera._

 

BERIC (VOICEOVER):

We’re hoping that this gentleman might fit the bill.

  

TORMUND:

_(sitting down in booth)_

 If a woman is bigger than me? _(points upwards)_ I thank the gods. I like a big woman.

One I can wrestle with. If she beats me? All the better. _(gives alarming smile)_

 

** INT. BAR: **

_TORMUND arrives at the bar and is greeted by OBERYN. His eyes widen as he sees BRIENNE seated facing away from him, looking sullenly into her gin. He grips OBERYN by both arms and gives a wild grin._

  

TORMUND:

_(sliding into the seat next to BRIENNE):_

What is this vision? I think I have died and gone to Valhalla.

 

BRIENNE: 

_(short, nonplussed pause)_

I’m Brienne.

  

TORMUND:

You are a goddess. You are Freyja.

  

BRIENNE:

Last time I looked I was called Brienne. And you?

  

TORMUND:

I am Thor. Together we will fight and make beautiful, bloody carnage.

 

BRIENNE:

Right. Shall we at least eat first?

 

** INT. OBERYN’S RESTAURANT: **

_SAM and YGRITTE are on their first courses. YGRITTE is eating black squid ink pasta._

 

YGRITTE:

So you’re studying old medicines?

 

SAM:

Basically, yes. The medicines of the Middle Ages.

 

YGRITTE:

What’s the bloody point in that? Haven’t we got antibiotics now?

 

SAM:

_(kindly, as if giving her the benefit of the doubt)_

Yes, but it’s to learn about their practices and beliefs rather than trying to use their remedies as such.

It’s mostly very theoretical and archive-based but I sometimes get to have a go at recreating some of them.

 

YGRITTE: 

Love potions and that?

  

SAM:

More like treatments for black bile.

 

YGRITTE:

_(looks down at her plate, puts her spoon down)_

Well, that’s me done.

  

** INT. BOOTH: **

  _JOFFREY, a young, blonde man is using the camera lens to check his hair. He slicks it to the side and grins in an unnervingly arrogant fashion._

 

BERIC (VOICEOVER):

This is Joffrey. He’s looking for love. Or perhaps something else.

 

JOFFREY:

_(snorts, to camera)_

I’m not into all that pathetic love crap. Girls are always throwing themselves at me, whining my name,

because I’m hot and I have money. I want a girl who doesn’t give a shit. _(shrugs)_ Or if not, I’ll take another total walkover.

 

** INT. BAR: **

  _MELISANDRE, a ruby-haired woman, is waiting at the bar. She is wearing a deep, ruby-coloured dress with a long slit up the side._

 

LORAS:

_(pouring her a glass of pinot noir)_

Did you find your way here OK tonight?

 

MELISANDRE:

With thanks to the Lord of Light.

 

LORAS:

_(glances at camera, deadpan)_

Is that a new taxi app?

 

MELISANDRE:

It is not new. It is an ancient force. Soon we shall all be using, you might say, the Lord of Light.

 

LORAS:

_(blithely)_

Awesome.

_(Gives knowingly wide-eyed look to camera)_

 

** INT. BOOTH: **

  _Melisandre is sitting in front of the camera, with her eyes closed. She suddenly opens them and stares straight into the camera._

  

MELISANDRE

I am looking for someone very special. A leader in his field. I have been looking for a very long time.

It is my quest. I will know who he is when I find him.

 

** INT. BAR: **

  _JOFFREY enters the bar and is shown to his date._

 

JOFFREY:

_(looking her up and down as he sits)_

Wow. A milf. I’ve always wanted to do one of those.

 

MELISANDRE:

I _am_ a mother. Of shadow warriors. I could give birth to one right now

and he would rise up and strike you through the heart.

  

JOFFREY:

You are a total psycho-bitch. I quite like it.

 

** INT. DINING AREA: **

  _BRIENNE and TORMUND are eating their first course. BRIENNE is mostly looking at her plate and TORMUND is mostly looking at BRIENNE._

 

TORMUND:

You are not hungry this evening?

 

 BRIENNE:

_(quietly)_

Normally I eat like a horse.

 

TORMUND:

Like a beautiful, wild, untameable horse. Yes.

 

BRIENNE:

Just like an ordinary horse. Do you have to keep looking at me like that?

 

TORMUND:

I am unable to look at anything else.

_(gnaws at pork rib, gazing at her)_

  **INT. DINING AREA:**

  _SAM and YGRITTE are eating their dessert._

 

YGRITTE:

So yeah. I’m on for a gold medal in 2020 I reckon. I'm gonna beat them chuffing Koreans.

 

SAM: 

That’s wonderful. I’ve never met an archer before. I think you’d like my friend.

He’s quite good at that sort of thing.

 

YGRITTE:

Do you do any sports? Actually, I take that back.

 

SAM:

No, I was never terribly good at physical activities. My father always wanted me to.

He was pretty disappointed I never got further than the egg and spoon at school. My best friend is good at everything.

 

YGRITTE:

You’ve just got to put your back into it. There’s a sport for everyone. Even you, mate.

 

SAM:

_(pleased)_

Go on, then. What sport would you recommend for me?

 

YGRITTE:

_(eats the last of her Death by Chocolate)_

Shotput.

_(leans over and takes his plate of apple pie)_

And less of this, for starters.

  **INT. KITCHEN AREA:**

  _MISSANDEI, a new member of the waiting staff, is being introduced to head waiter GREY WORM. OBERYN straightens GREY WORM’s tie._

 

OBERYN (VOICEOVER):

It is vital that everything in my restaurant is perfect. The food, the wine, the silverware,

the demeanour of the staff. That way, it is an atmosphere in which love can flourish.

 

_MISSANDEI gives a sweet smile to GREY WORM, who blushes._

 

** INT. DINING AREA: **

  _MELISANDRE and JOFFREY are on their first course._

 

JOFFREY:

_(speaking through a mouthful of food)_

Yeah, so I make shit-tons of money on the stockmarket. Wealth management.

Working out the best capital investments, China, the Far East. I’m basically rolling in it. 

_(sits back)_

 

MELISANDRE:

How old are you?

 

JOFFREY:

Young enough to be your son by the looks of things.

_(leans forward with a sleazy look)_

But experienced enough to father your next three sons.

 

MELISANDRE:

_(after a cool gaze, sniffs)_

We’ll see.

 

JOFFREY: 

_(sits back, looks smug)_

What do you do? Not that I care.

 

MELISANDRE:

I predict the future.

 

_JOFFREY nearly spits out his food._

 

**BRIENNE AND TORMUND’S TABLE:**

  _BRIENNE AND TORMUND are on their main course._

 

BRIENNE:

I lead training exercises, mostly in this country, before they are sent on duties abroad.

 

TORMUND:

_(gazing fixedly at her)_

Incredible. I bet you fight better than any of them.

 

BRIENNE:

It’s not really about fighting. It’s about tactics.

  

TORMUND:

I bet you do, though.

 

BRIENNE:

Hmm.

 

TORMUND:

Have you fought abroad?

  

BRIENNE:

I’m more behind the scenes. But if you want fighting stories,

I once had to tackle a grizzly bear whilst on a solo training exercise in Alaska.

 

TORMUND: 

_(looks faintly aroused)_

Gods, woman. Did you win?

 

BRIENNE:

Only just.

 

TORMUND:

Bare hands?

 

BRIENNE:

Tranquilizer gun.

 

TORMUND:

I once had a fight with a bear. Well, not exactly a fight.

 

BRIENNE:

Meaning?

 

TORMUND:

_(gives ferocious grin)_

Maybe I can tell you later.

 

** INT. BOOTH: **

  _SAM and YGRITTE sit down in front of the camera. SAM smiles at YGRITTE in a vague, helpless, sort of way. YGRITTE folds her arms._

 

INTERVIEWER BEHIND CAMERA:

Will you see each other again?

 

YGRITTE:

He’s bloody clever, I’ll give you that. I mean, you did a right good job there. He’s a proper high-level swot.

Knows bloody everything. But obviously no chuffing way in hell. Love potion or no love potion. No offence.

 

SAM:

_(wide-eyed and extremely unoffended)_

None taken.

_(to camera)_

I mean, she’s a bit out of my league, to be fair.

 

YGRITTE:

Too bloody right. See, told you. Knows everything.

 

** EXT – HIGH STREET, OUTSIDE OBERYN’S: **

  _SAM is hailing a cab for YGRITTE._

 

YGRITTE:

Alright, mucker, take it easy.

 

SAM:

_(enthusiastically)_

I’ll be watching the Olympics!

 

_YGRITTE’s taxi begins to drive off and stops. The window is wound down and SAM is beckoned over._

 

YGRITTE:

Got the number of that mate of yours?

  

** INT. DINING AREA: **

 

_Brienne and Tormund are eating dessert. BRIENNE is eating a tiramisu matter-of-factly. TORMUND is eating a Crème brûlée lasciviously._

 

BRIENNE:

That looks a little burnt.

 

TORMUND: 

Just how I like it. We gingers are touched by fire. We are fiery inside and out.

_(eats even more lasciviously)_

 

**JOFFREY AND MELISANDRE'S TABLE:**

  _JOFFREY and MELISANDRE are on their main course._

 

JOFFREY 

So what you’re saying is that you can see into the future?

In flames?

 

MELISANDRE:

Yes.

 

JOFFREY: 

I love it. Total mega psychobitch.

_(finishes his steak and jabs his fork towards MELISANDRE)_

So you could predict what stocks are going to rise? And fall?

 

MELISANDRE:

Yes.

 

JOFFREY:

I think you and me could be a team.

 

** INT. BOOTH: **

_TORMUND is already seated. His face lights up when BRIENNE enters and sits down next to him, and he looks at the camera with delight._

  

TORMUND:

I missed you, beautiful woman.

 

BRIENNE:

It’s been one minute.

 

TORMUND:

A minute that seemed like a lifetime.

 

  _BRIENNE looks at INTERVIEWER BEHIND CAMERA._

  

INTERVIEWER BEHIND CAMERA:

So, would you like to see each other again?

 

_BRIENNE looks at TORMUND and at the INTERVIEWER, and takes a breath._

 

TORMUND:

I would like to see this woman every minute of every day. We will be incredible together.

We will go on great hikes and expeditions and I will hunt and kill bears for her. We will make beautiful, massive babies.

  

BRIENNE:

Um, well. That’s very kind. But I think of you more as a friend.

 

_TORMUND’s face falls._

 

BRIENNE:

I’m a bit alarmed by the enthusiasm, if I’m honest.

 

 _TORMUND looks wounded._  

 

BRIENNE:

It’s not that you’re not nice, as such. Just – quite – emphatic.

 

_TORMUND looks crushed._

 

** INT. BOOTH **

_JOFFREY and MELISANDRE are seated next to each other._

  

INTERVIEWER BEHIND CAMERA:

Do you think you will see each other again?

  

MELISANDRE:

_(to Joffrey)_

You do not have to answer. I already know the answer.

 

JOFFREY:

Did you look in the candle on the table or something? 

 

MELISANDRE:

I may have.

 

JOFFREY: 

_(shit-eating grin, to camera)_

Psychobitch.

 

  **EXT – HIGH STREET, OUTSIDE OBERYN’S:**

  _A taxi cab pulls up and JOFFREY and MELISANDRE get in. The taxi goes past and JOFFREY mimes a strong ‘up yours’ gesture, his tongue in his mouth._

  

** FINAL SUMMARY TITLES: **

 SAM AND YGRITTE DECIDED TO REMAIN FRIENDS. SAM’S FIRST ROLE AS FRIEND WAS TO INTRODUCE HER TO HIS BEST FRIEND, JON.

 

_(Photos of Ygritte snogging a good-looking, curly-headed man on a snowy mountain)_

 

BRIENNE AND TORMUND DID NOT STAY IN TOUCH. TORMUND IS STILL LOOKING FOR A WOMAN WHO WILL NOT MIND HIS SLEEPING-WITH-A-BEAR STORIES.

 

_(Photos of Tormund miming an attacking bear at an unimpressed-looking brown bear in London Zoo)_

  

JOFFREY AND MELISANDRE, AFTER THEIR NIGHT TOGETHER, DECIDED NOT TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP. BUT THEY HAVE FORMED A PARTNERSHIP OF SORTS.

  

_(Photos of them both outside a building with a large logo saying ‘StagLord: Investment Predictions’)_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  
> 
> Hur hur. Let me know what you think!


End file.
